so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
