I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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