my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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