just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
