i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize