a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
