Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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