when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
