I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
