it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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