I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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