he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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