He asked me if I "almost moaned"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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