yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
