dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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