i need an iv and a liver transplant
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
NoShamevember. You game?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
