@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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