You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
