i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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