I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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