I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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