What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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