Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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