remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My ATM looks so different sober.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
