I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm getting married
To pizza
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
