Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
