Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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