Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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