OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You took a bar mat shot.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
