Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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