saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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