Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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