What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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