the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
