In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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