what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
