I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
