I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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