my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
