i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize