I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
