i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize