Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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