My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
