I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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