we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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