i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
