No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
