Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
