i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
