I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
