Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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