Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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