tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
