party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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