If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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