Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
