new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
