Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
